Today while doing the dishes I was looking at my disgusting cracked bleeding fingers and feeling them burn from the soap and crack open every time I bent my fingers.. it got me thinking about trials.
Usually in the blogging world you only see other people's best sides, and sometimes its easy to try to compare yourself. I'm guilty of that. But the truth is...everybody is human...everybody has trials...they are just not the things they choose to blog about.
That got me thinking....and I decided to blog about some of the things I struggle with. Not because I want your compassion but I guess so I can just throw it out there. So i'll start with my eczema- my horrible horrible skin. Bloody, rashy, dry, hands, feet, and legs. My hands look like 70 year old woman hands. When I was in elementary school kids would always ask me if it was contagious while backing away. I have to use medicated lotion or it makes it worse. In middle school I did dance and cheer- and when I was deciding what to do in high school..i choose drill because the costumes covered my legs...It would have been humiliating wearing a minnyskirt in the winter when my legs are a scabby rashy mess.
Which reminds me...I danced my whole life. I did drill team my Freshman year, took my sophomore year off and then picked it up again as a Junior. I LOVED my freshman year advisor, but the new advisor my Jr year wasn't a big Bekah fan...to put it lightly. She said I didn't have the mental ability to dance. So it wasn't my dancing...it was that I was stupid. It was a humiliating year- she loved to embarrass me if front of the team. The year ended with her making a "new rule" that if somebody hasn't been on the team for 2 consecutive years..they have to try out again. The funny thing was...I was the only one that applied to. She wanted to cut me.
So I didn't even try out. I took up ballet instead. Later that year I won Regional Dance Sterling Scholar which I really wanted to rub in my old advisors face...I had a 4 year scholarship to SUU along with other scholarships to choose from. That backfired when I told SUU I wanted to accept the scholarship and they told me I couldn't use it because my ACT score wasn't high enough. After re-taking it 3 times and hours and hours of studying..more studying then everybody I knew added together...It still wasn't high enough. So all my hard work for Regional Dance Steraling Scholar was in in vain because I just wasn't smart enough.
I struggled in college. I failed stats.... after I had already walked. So I'm still 3 credits away from getting my AS.
I took piano for 9 years and I still can't play the hymns. Most of the rest of my family are like music genius. I think I'm mildly dyslectic. I can't spell or read well. I'm sure you've all noticed. When we first got married I didn't want to blog because I was embarrassed of my spelling..and my "thens" and "thans" and all my other errors... but I decided I don't care.
Speaking of the rest of my family...I had an interesting time growing up. My three closest siblings in age all got very sick around the same time and were in and out of hospitals for several years. Needless to say- they needed a lot of my parents and leaders attention. Obviously they were the ones with the big trials.... but in my my 12 and 13 year old mind it meant no attention for me. First I dealt with trying to stay away from the family and rebelling...sneaking out...lying to my parents...a lot. I felt like I had nobody to relate to...and felt very alone.
Then I decided that wasn't making anyone happy and flipped a complete 180. In doing so...I lost a lot friends which I still feel guilty about. Friends that still hate me to this day. Friends that I would pick up for church every week...and after the lost friendship didn't want anything to do with the church. A lot of weight still weighs on my shoulders for that.
My siblings are all very musically talented and very smart....I never have much to say when they all get together. Not because I don't want to...
I loose everything I touch, I'm a horrible cook, I don't write music, I don't teach school, I don't have a degree, I don't have a large vocabulary, I don't make amazing crafts, sew amazing things, have amazing talents....or any of the other amazing things everyone else blogs about...
But guess what! I'm me! And I've learned to enjoy that... I'm a mom, a wife, a friend (not a very good one sometimes), and I strive to improve myself daily. And that will have to due- because that's me!
10 comments:
oh bekah this made me feel sad. you are a wonderful wonderful person and i think you're being too hard on yourself. i, too, get caught up in other "creative-crafty-and-my-life-is-perfect" blogs and it's so easy to let it bring me down. i sometimes feel sad that i don't have a degree, or a career, that i can't do this and this and that. but then i have to remind myself of what's most important. i love and admire you for the person you are. because you're YOU and not someone else. you're kind and caring of others. you are a wonderful mother, wife, sister and friend. and that's a lot more important than being able to sew a pillow case or cook a perfect roast.
love ya bekah. call me if you want to talk.
bekah. i didn't know any of this about you. serious. sneak out? you? no! i think you are way smart. hello! your daughter talks and walks and is super smart. i think that is probably straight from you! i think you are darling, and i'm glad you shared this. it's nice to know i'm not the only one who thinks blogging makes things beautiful, and i think you sharing these things makes you even more beautiful :)
Oh bek. I love you. I'm so proud of you for just saying it all. That takes so much courage. I honestly had no idea you thought almost everything you wrote. You are right though. No matter your insecurities or seeming "flaws" you are amazing and beautiful and you and I don't think there is a person in this world who would want you to be anything else. Dali is so lucky to have you as a mom and lily is so lucky to have you as an aunt!
I hope that came out right. I personally think you are basically flawless. Seriously. You have accomplished so much in your life! I admire you even more for everything you have done with your life despite all your insecurities. I let mine get in the way of who I want to be. You have barreled right past all of your trials and you shine!
what an inspiration you are! despite our age difference i have always looked up to you. especiallly when we worked so closely in seminary coucil. and one who does the training (running, swimming, biking, etc) and who writes beautiful poetry like you do - um that is amazing talent to me! xoxox
I love your courage to throw it all out there! You're a great writer, and what you say and the way you say it just is inspiring! No wonder you were selected as one of the youngest EFY counselors ever. I think you are just getting started on the right path... and at times that doesn't seem so 'groovy', but just you wait upon the Lord. Praise be that if you had been all those things you wish you were you would have not wanted Pete, who is so lucky to have such a woman! You rock our world with all you are!
Thanks for the honest post. I know we've never met but Pete chose you and Pete is no dummy so you've got to be as wonderful as you seem! The blogging world does feel like a competition sometimes so it's nice to have a good honest post to read once in a while and know that people feel and struggle the same way I do (but have learned how to love themself). BTW, my skin is terribly dry too! Cetaphil is the only lotion I've found that works at all for me. Nothing else even touches it. I get little ecyzma patches on my face if I don't stay on top of it. ew. So I feel your pain (sometimes literal pain) on that for sure! :)
I remember that "new" advisor. I wanted to hug you everyday for the way she treated you. Your a beautiful dancer I've always thought so. And a good music person too :)One time I told her that it wasn't always your fault it was mine too, but you know how she is. I don't even think she was listening to me.I love reading your blog. Your such a good writer.
If there is one thing I have learned over the past few years it is that no one is what they seem to be. I think your blog describes everyone, even those that LOOK so but together and on top of the world. You are right that we make a point to only show our brave faces to those around us. We may not share the same trials but we all wonder about past choices, fret about physical limitations, compare ourselves to our siblings, and wish for talents that are beyond us. If it makes you feel better Beka, you are the sibling I want to be on my bad days! I love you and I'm glad you are exactly the way you are. A wife, a mom, a SISTER, and a friend. That is all you need to be in my book!
-Anne
My sweet 'bekah. You have so many talents! AND you are always learning new things. Lately? Hair bows and baby car seat covers that I know of. Your home shows a grand taste for decorating and beauty. Can't wait to see what you do with your downstairs. You are gentle and loving, and full of spunk. I smile whenever I think of you dancing with Mama John and the other ladies in Kono Mbya, of you trying to teach Karen and I one of your dance routines. I cry when I think of some of your tears shed over dance, classes, boys, family. I am continually amazed at your strength of character - starting from those first days of middle school when you had to make some tough choices. You amaze me. Now. I know. I'm the Mom. I'm supposed to say that stuff. Truthfully? If I didn't know you - if you were just someone in my ward - I would want you to be my friend. We all feel insecure and frustrated and lonely at times. We all have stupid burdens we carry, freckles and warts on our bodies and souls. It's called life. I'm glad that you are just like me, and your sibs, and your friends. Anything less, and I would be afraid of your being "twinkled" and then what would we do without you!! You are a "Joy".
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